


C a s s i s

by dogmaticdeux



Category: the GazettE
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Fluff, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Misunderstandings, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-02
Updated: 2018-09-02
Packaged: 2019-07-06 00:47:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15875084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dogmaticdeux/pseuds/dogmaticdeux
Summary: Aoi is the reason why Ruki wrote Cassis.





	C a s s i s

“Get up, sleepyhead.”

With a soft smile, Aoi turned around from the wardrobe, and gazed at the petite figure still curled up in bed. Though he wanted to do nothing more than crawl back into bed as well, he knew that he couldn’t give in to those desires. Because sadly, they both had responsibilities to take care of; no matter how much he wished they could simply stay in bed all day.

The smaller man shifted beneath the covers with a discontent sigh, but made no move to leave the bed. Instead, he simply stifled a yawn as he glanced up at him for a brief second.

Whenever Aoi looked at Ruki, he couldn’t help but feel his heart skip a beat. Whenever Ruki was with him, he couldn’t help but feel this incredible sensation of pure happiness. He still couldn’t believe that the vocalist had truly agreed to date him. He could believe even less that they had been together for almost five months now.

“I’m not sleeping, I’m working,” Ruki objected with a faint laugh, and he pulled his knees up to his torso, meanwhile he kept scribbling into his notebook. That notebook which Aoi knew was sacred to the blonde, for he wrote all his lyrics down in there.

For a second, Aoi watched him write down more words. Ruki’s lips were pressed together in a most adorable pout as he contemplated, thereby tapping the pen against the small book.

He looked up to Aoi again, scrutinized him for a second with his dark eyes, before the most breathtaking smile spread across his face. Then, he turned his attention back to his notebook. The pen produced a muffled scratching on the paper as Ruki diligently added more words to the page he was currently working on.

Feeling his stomach flutter at Ruki’s smile he loved so much, Aoi walked over to his bed they shared most of the nights. “I’m being serious,” he hummed playfully, dropping down onto the mattress to crawl up to him. He tugged at the blanket, which was covering Ruki’s legs, to get his boyfriend’s attention, but Ruki just kept scribbling away in his notebook. With a sigh, Aoi rested his head atop of Ruki’s knees. “C’mon, Ru-chan,” he purred. “We’re gonna be late for recording. And you know how much Kai hates it when we’re late.”

He had spent the last half hour with taking a shower and getting ready to leave, meanwhile Ruki had stayed in bed to jot down some more lyrics for the album.

“What are you writing?” Aoi asked impatiently when he didn’t get a response from him, and tried to sneak a peek at the lyrics that his boyfriend had been so immersed in.

However, Ruki pulled the notebook against his chest, and gave him a sheepish grin. “It’s a surprise,” he replied ominously. Then, he bent forward to press an apologetic kiss to Aoi’s lips.

With a content hum, Aoi cradled his face to return the kiss briefly. But the thought of an angry leader made him pull back shortly after instead of giving in to his desires to deepen the kiss and take things further, which would result in them _seriously_ running late.

Again.

Aoi truly didn’t feel like facing Kai’s wrath only days after he had last scolded them for their tardiness.

He withdrew from Ruki’s lips, and studied his face intently. His cheeks were tinged red, and a happy smile tugged at Ruki’s lips.

“I love you,” Aoi breathed, thereby caressing Ruki’s cheek with his thumb.

Ruki’s blush deepened, and he turned his face away as he bit down on his lower lip. Other than that, he remained perfectly motionless and silent.

Feeling an all too familiar sting in his heart, Aoi bit down on his tongue. He had gotten used to Ruki’s silence by now; that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt him anymore when he stayed quiet. When he didn’t say those words yet again Aoi so desperately craved to hear from him.

And while Aoi knew that Ruki had needed his time before he had agreed to give them a shot, and had repeatedly asked him to be patient, there was only so much Aoi could take.

Because it hurt.

It hurt immensely to look at Ruki, and watch him turn away whenever he voiced his feelings like this. It hurt to feel like he didn’t reciprocate them at all, to feel like he was still having doubts about their relationship whereas Aoi was so damn certain about his feelings. He always tried to be mindful of Ruki, he always tried to be patient, to give him space and time when he asked for it.

But lately it felt like he wasn’t getting anything in return for it anymore.

“Right.” With a distant tone of voice, Aoi retreated from Ruki, and pushed himself off the bed as he tried his hardest to fight back those feelings of rejection. To fight back the fear of losing Ruki; of maybe having lost him already. Of never having been able to call him his in the first place.

“We need to get going,” he pressed out more coolly than he had intended to sound, and he saw Ruki flinch at his hostile tone.

“Why don’t you go ahead without me?” he whispered, casting his gaze down to avoid Aoi’s eyes. “I want to finish this first.” He vaguely waved around with his notebook.

Aoi snorted. “Why can’t you just finish it at the studio? We need to record an album in case you’ve forgotten.”

Ruki sighed in defeat. He pinched the bridge of his nose, and shook his head with another sigh. “You’re mad at me.” Finally, he looked up at Aoi. His expression was somber, his eyes were weary.

“I’m not mad, why would I be mad?!” Aoi snapped at him.

Ruki flinched again, and with a groan, Aoi ran his fingers through his dark hair. He pressed his lips into a thin line until his lip piercing dug into his skin almost painfully. He hadn’t meant to yell at him. He hadn’t meant to dump his frustration on Ruki like that.

He just didn’t know how to bear it anymore.

He couldn’t bear the doubt in Ruki’s eyes anymore.

He couldn’t bear the hesitation anymore.

“I’m sorry, okay?” Ruki murmured; his gaze dropped onto the mattress. “Please just bear with me for a bit longer, Yuu.”

Aoi shook his head at the mention of his real name, as he vigorously tried not to let any of it get to him. Alas, he felt his self-control slip away as a wave of hurt washed over him. “Is it because of your ex?” he whispered, before he could stop his foolish tongue from slipping up.

Ruki frowned in confusion. With a horrid expression, he lifted his head to look at Aoi. “What? No! Of course not! How often do I have tell you that that’s long in the past?”

He couldn’t hear it often enough.

He knew that it had taken Ruki some time and effort to get over his last relationship. It had been one of the reasons why he had asked Aoi to give him time when he had finally gathered up enough courage to confess his feelings to him. And even though Ruki had reassured him time and time again that he wanted to be with him just as much, the doubt still got to Aoi every now and then. There was nothing he could do about it.

Gritting his teeth, he walked over to the wardrobe to fetch one of his jackets. However, the fabric got stuck on the cloth-hanger as he pulled out the jacket, and with a frustrated grunt, Aoi threw the hanger to the ground as he lost grip on his emotions. “What is it then?” he almost yelled at Ruki.

He had watched Ruki fall apart as his last relationship had ended.

He had been by his side every step of the way as he had gotten over his heartbreak. He had been his crutch as Ruki had picked up the pieces and had reassembled them. He had been nothing but patient as he had tried his hardest to push his own feelings down for months.

And while he believed in the sincerity of Ruki’s words, sometimes his anxiety simply got the better of him. His fear that in the end, he wasn’t good enough. That in the end, Ruki was still hung up on someone else, incapable of letting go and loving Aoi the same way he loved him.

“Explain it to me because I’m too stupid to get it,” Aoi rasped. “You keep telling me that you’re just as serious about us as I am, but it just feels like your heart isn’t in it. And I don’t know what to do to change that.” He felt tears of frustration prick at the corners of his eyes as he voiced his hurt, and he bit down on his lip to regain his composure.

Ruki laid the notebook aside, pushed off the mattress, and walked over to Aoi. “That’s not true, and you know it,” he replied, a guilt-ridden expression on his face. He lifted his hand and tucked away a strand of Aoi’s dark hair behind his ear. Resting his hand on his face, Ruki stroked his cheek gently like he had done to him before. “Please, you gotta believe me,” he begged quietly. “You don’t have to change a single thing. I’m sorry. I know I keep asking you to be patient, I just… I just don’t want to screw things up. Not again. Not with you.”

Aoi withdrew from his touch by taking a step back. He hated himself for it, but he felt his patience wearing thin as his belief slowly crumbled. He kept waiting. He kept hoping. And no matter how he didn’t want to force Ruki into things he wasn’t ready for, Aoi felt as though he was slowly losing his mind. “Fine. Whatever. Forget it then.” He turned around, and headed for the bedroom door. “I’ll tell the others you’re running late.”

Lately, Ruki’s words felt like nothing but empty promises to him.

Promises about a time that would never come to pass.

A time when he finally accepted Aoi into his heart.

 

 

His emotions were still boiling when Aoi arrived at the studio.

Feeling as though he was about to explode, he slammed the door to the studio a tad too loud, drawing three pairs of eyes towards him.

“What’s wrong?” Uruha greeted him with a raised eyebrow. He was sitting in front of the mixer, fumbling around with his guitar. He didn’t even stop plucking the strings as he scrutinized Aoi thoroughly.

“Nothing,” Aoi grunted dismissively. He heaved his guitar case onto one of the chairs, and dropped down at the break table. Disregarding his guitar and the other members, he pulled a pack of cigarettes from his pocket, and lit the second cigarette this morning; he had needed one as soon as he had stormed out of his apartment after his argument with Ruki.

He still felt like shit about it.

He knew that he was acting juvenile. But he couldn’t help it. He had been pushing down his hurt and frustration for weeks now, until the last straw had finally broken the camel’s back this morning. He wasn’t sure he could do this anymore, no matter how often Ruki asked him to be patient. Their relationship had begun to take a toll on him. He loved Ruki, he genuinely did. He just couldn’t handle the constant rejection anymore, and the feeling of his heart breaking a bit more every time.

“Where’s Ruki?” Reita’s voice cut through the silence as he was the first one who dared to speak up again after Aoi had shot down Uruha so impolitely.

From the corner of his eye, Aoi watched Reita look around the room, expecting for their vocalist to show up any second now. The two of them usually came to the studio together, after all. And Aoi knew that the others knew just as well as he did what it meant when they didn’t.

It meant that they had gotten into some sort of fight.

Aoi ignored Reita just like he had ignored Uruha. He felt guilty about treating his comrades like this, since none of them were at fault. If anything, he was. He couldn’t even truly blame it on Ruki. Maybe he just expected more from this relationship than Ruki was able to give him; and it was tearing Aoi apart.

Kai walked over to the table, and took a seat opposite of him. “Did you two get into a fight?” he asked timidly.

Instead of an answer, Aoi bit down on the cigarette filter, and shrugged. He liked the others, he truly did. And he would be eternally grateful for them accepting their relationship without so much as a second thought. However, he didn’t really feel like spreading his relationship issues out in front of them, either. Especially since they knew both parties.

“He’s busy with important things,” Aoi heard himself say. He knew that he was being unfair to Ruki, but he couldn’t keep his frustration from spilling out once more. He knew that the band would always come first for Ruki, no matter how he sometimes wished it to be otherwise.

He knew he was being an irrational, jealous asshole.

His head tilted, Kai scrutinized him with a frown. “You’re important to him as well, you know?” he spoke softly, thereby patting Aoi’s arm.

“Am I though?” he asked bitterly. Then, he shook his head to clear his thoughts. He stubbed out his cigarette, and looked over to the mixer, where Uruha and Reita were quietly talking to each other. He watched Reita play a few notes on his bass meanwhile Uruha listened attentively, then nodded his approval.

“Where are we?” Aoi asked with a sigh, returning his attention to Kai. He couldn’t wait to immerse himself in work as well, and think about nothing but the upcoming album.

They had already recorded most of the songs, only a few remained. And while working on this album had been a tough process, it had also been an exhilarating one.

“I listened to the finished version of D.L.N. earlier, it sounds fantastic,” Kai mused. “We gotta go over some of the parts for Nausea and Shudder though. And we still need to record Taion and, uhm…” He grimaced in discontent as he reviewed their process. “That last song.”

Aoi frowned. “He still hasn’t come up with a title for that one yet?” he asked incredulously. Sometimes, Ruki tended to be a bit scatter-brained, changing and making up his mind over and over again until he was satisfied with things. Until they were perfect.

And while Aoi deeply admired his precision and diligence, it could drive him up the walls sometimes as well.

All of them, actually.

Kai shook his head. “No. He told me he’s still working on the lyrics. I think he wanted to record the vocals today, though.”

Aoi stood from his seat. Ruki had been rather elusive and ominous about that song. He had described to them what he had in mind for the instruments, and they had worked to improve his draft together. So Aoi knew that the song was going to be another ballad. However, Ruki had left them completely in the dark about his visions for the lyrics. For the message of the song. For anything beyond the instrumentals, actually.

Just one more reason why Aoi wasn’t really in the mood to work on a ballad today. He didn’t like to be kept in the dark like this. And while he was quite skilled in pouring his emotions into his guitar play, he would have much preferred to be able to see inside of Ruki’s mind at least once.

“Alright. Let’s get this over with then.”

 

 

He couldn’t take it anymore.

His heart felt like it was getting stabbed with a knife over and over again, before it got cut in half by a blunt blade with an excruciating slowness that made his insides churn.

Watching Ruki record the vocals for the nameless song through the glass window while they listened to his voice as it was being recorded drove nail after nail into Aoi’s heart.

Hearing him sing his heart out about a person he loved was simply too much for Aoi.

Maybe it was because he wished so fucking badly for these lyrics to be about him.

Maybe it was because Ruki didn’t look at him for a single second while he recorded the vocals.

Maybe it was because he couldn’t imagine Ruki ever feeling this way about him.

Meanwhile, he sang about a never-ending love that tore at Aoi’s heartstrings.

Because with every second, awareness grew within him. It sprang into blossom like a flower in the first seasons of spring, taking deep root within him. Deep down, he could relate so much to those lyrics. Deep down, he felt them with every fiber of his heart. Deep down, he knew that this was exactly the way he felt about Ruki.

At the same time, that flower seemed to wither before it had fully bloomed yet, poisoned by his doubts and insecurities.

For Ruki would never sing this way about him.

A painful sting ripped through his heart at that thought, and Aoi gasped silently as his breath got cut off. He rose quickly, drawing the glances of the others towards him for the second time that day, and hurried out of the room as the walls started to close in on him.

He went into the small kitchen, where he leant against the countertop.

He closed his eyes as he tried to even out his breath and get a grip on his swirling emotions. Desperately, he tried to fight off the numbing ache in his heart.

He didn’t understand.

Love was supposed to be the most beautiful thing in the world.

So why did it hurt so fucking much?

“Please tell me what’s going on.”

Aoi started, and his eyes shot open.

Ruki was standing in the door frame, appearing like a little child as he shifted from one foot to the other in his uncertainty. His slim fingers clutched a piece of paper tightly; Aoi assumed those to be the lyrics to the ballad.

Those beautiful, mesmerizing words that tore his very heart and soul apart.

He wondered what it would feel like to be loved by Ruki like that.

To be loved by him like he loved the blonde.

Ruki often talked in interviews about how all of his lyrics somehow stemmed from personal experiences. And while most certainly, not all of them stood in connection to his own person, Aoi knew that this song was very personal to him. Unbearably so.

He had read it on Ruki’s face when he had recorded the vocals.

Silently, Aoi had watched while Ruki had sung about some distant love he still held in his heart, meanwhile his own soul had been torn apart over and over again. “That person from your lyrics must be very special to you,” he breathed crestfallen. “Sometimes I wonder what it must be like to-“ His voice broke, and he shook his head. Even after weeks upon weeks of the same ordeal, he still couldn’t voice these things. He wasn’t as eloquent as Ruki. The things he had to say were normally short and on point.

Like when he told Ruki that he loved him.

He knew that those words weren’t much, but he also knew that they conveyed exactly how he felt.

“What it must be like to what?” Ruki probed softly. Thereby, he hesitantly approached Aoi.

“Never mind.”

Ruki shook his head. “I’m sorry, but that won’t do.” With his free hand, he reached for Aoi’s. Gingerly, his fingertips caressed the back of Aoi’s hand, before he tried to entwine their fingers together. “Please tell me what’s bothering you. Why did you run out on me like that? You didn’t even say anything about the song. What’s wrong? Please tell me, Yuu.”

Much like in the morning, Aoi retreated from his touch. “ _Who cares about that stupid song?_ ” he hissed as the mention of the ballad drove another nail into his soul.

Ruki flinched as though he had been slapped. “B-but I-“ he stammered, thereby raising the sheet of paper he was holding in his hand. “Of course,” he muttered sadly. “Of course, the person from the lyrics is very special to me. You of all people should know. At least… I thought you’d know that. I thought…” His voice trailed off, and he blinked repeatedly as tears started to dwell in his eyes. “I was hoping you’d like the song. I worked so hard on it because I was never satisfied with the lyrics until today. And I finally came up with a title as well, you see?” Again, he gave a small wave of his hand that was holding the paper. A desperate move to get Aoi to acknowledge it.

Feeling his own hurt claw its way into his heart once more, Aoi yanked the paper from his hand, and threw it to the ground. “I said I don’t care!” he repeated hoarsely. “Can you just not talk about the band or the music for a single goddamn second?! I can’t take it anymore!” In a fit of rage, his fist collided with the countertop. A dull pain shot through his hand, and he inhaled sharply.

“Can’t take what anymore? _Fucking talk to me, Aoi!_ ” Ruki got worked up now as well. He glared angrily at Aoi for a second, then made a move to pick up the piece of paper.

Darting forward, Aoi put his foot on the note.

Numbly, Ruki’s gaze wandered from the piece of paper beneath his heel to Aoi, and back down to his foot. He looked as though Aoi had just stepped on his heart instead of an insignificant sheet of paper. “Yuu, please-“

“Maybe it’s best if we stop,” Aoi interrupted him with a whisper, feeling a numbing faintness crawl over him. His heart tore in two at the mere thought, but he was slowly coming to the conclusion that getting his heart broken completely once was better than getting it broken over and over and over again in tiny doses.

He couldn’t do it anymore.

Appalled, Ruki looked at him. “What do you mean, stop?”

Aoi’s voice was void of any emotion as he answered. “Maybe it’s best if we end this.” The cracks in his heart grew in size until they had split it apart almost completely.

Tears shimmered in Ruki’s eyes, and the sight made Aoi want to step forward and simply take him into his arms. Cave in and take back everything, just bury his own hurt again like he had done countless times. But he knew that he couldn’t do it anymore. The thought of losing Ruki made his insides scream in agony, but in the end, he had never belonged to him in the first place.

How could he lose something that had never been his?

“I don’t understand,” Ruki stammered, his lower lip trembling. “Are you… Do you wanna break up with me?”

_No._

_God no._

Clenching his jaw, Aoi pushed those thoughts away. Anguish seeping through his body, he swallowed down his hurt as best as he could manage, and tried to focus on his anger instead. “I don’t know! Do you?”

“No!” A single tear streamed down Ruki’s cheek. “Why are you suddenly saying something like this? I don’t understand!” He shook his head repeatedly as though he was trying to banish those thoughts from his mind.

“Because I can’t take it anymore!” Aoi pressed out as he desperately fought against tears of his own. “I kept waiting. I kept praying that your feeling will change. That you’ll see me as more than a convenience. Because let’s be real, that’s all I am to you, ain’t I? I’ll never be good enough for you. I'll never match up to the person that owns your heart. I know that now.” He swallowed thickly as a sob tried to crawl up his throat. “You want to know what I think of the song? I hate it. God, I hate it so much. I hate to hear you sing with so much love and affection about someone else while I just wish that I was that special someone for you. I love you so much I can’t bear it anymore.”

He had given Ruki all of his heart.

More than that, he had wanted to give him the world.

Ruki just wouldn’t accept it.

“Yuu, please… the title…” Ruki made a weak movement of his hand, as though he was trying to pick up the piece of paper telepathically.

Aoi felt his heart burst into a billion pieces as he watched Ruki’s attention shift back to the cursed song again. Why was that song so goddamn important to him? “I can’t. I’m sorry, Taka.”

His vision blurring from the upcoming tears, he rushed past Ruki and out of the kitchen.

 

 

“Goddamn it, I’ve been looking everywhere for you!”

Numbly, Aoi chugged the whiskey, and sat the empty glass down on the counter of the bar he had been residing in for the last hour or so.

He felt lost.

He felt completely and utterly devastated, and the only way he knew how to cope with his heartbreak was by getting drunk. Though the more he drank, the more Ruki’s face haunted his thoughts. The more aware he became of the salt sticking to his cheeks, the dry reminder of his tears.

He didn’t look at Kai as the drummer sat down beside him.

Instead, he twisted the empty glass in his hands.

“Ruki told me what happened.” Kai’s voice was calm and collected, but somehow, Aoi still felt accused by his words. As though he was the one who had screwed up instead of being the one who had been screwed over.

“Did he now?”

“Geez, Aoi. I always knew the two of you were morons but this…” Kai shook his head. “I never saw this coming. How could you two have gotten it so fucking wrong?”

Not making sense of a single thing Kai was saying (except maybe for being called a moron), Aoi finally stared at him. “Why the fuck are you here?” he snarled at him. He wanted to be left alone, and drown himself in alcohol before he sunk even deeper in the swamp of his misery and heartbreak. He didn’t even care how much of an asshole he was being to Kai in his tipsy state.

With a disgruntled sigh, Kai reached into the pocket of his jacket. “To set you straight, dumbass.” He pulled a wrinkled piece of paper out, unfolded it and stretched it out on the counter before Aoi. “Take a look at this.”

His features stiffened, and Aoi pushed the piece of paper away. “I don’t need to. I know what the fuck this is.” His hand started to tremble treacherously, so he clenched his fist to stop it from shaking. “Why are you showing me this crap?”

“Because you’re a fucking idiot, Shiroyama, that’s why. Now take a fucking look at this!” Kai demanded in a bossy tone that didn’t allow for any objection.

With a venomous hiss, Aoi yanked the paper away from Kai and skimmed over it. He immediately recognized Ruki’s distinct handwriting which on first glance seemed messy but was actually exceedingly beautiful; each character was written down with neat precision. Detached, he read all those same words that had drilled into his heart at the recording session in the studio. Those cursed lyrics that had finally torn him down like a bulldozer, leaving behind nothing but a picture of misery in their wake.

Blinking away the tears ferociously, Aoi turned his head away from the lyrics. “Why are you doing this to me?” he whispered broken.

Kai didn’t answer him. Instead, he pushed the paper into his field of vision once more. “Look at the title, Aoi. Damn it, just look at the damn title.”

Slowly, his eyes wandered upward on the sheet. First, all he spotted were a bunch of crossed out words; titles Ruki had come up with but had ultimately scrapped again. Then, he noticed something in the utmost corner of the sheet.

One word.

Six letters.

Seemingly oh so insignificant.

And yet, his heart skipped a beat as he read the title of the song for the very first time.

_Cassis._

Immediately, the clogs in his head started to turn at immense speed, trying to process the new information his brain had just been given.

He gasped in horror as things started to fall into place in his mind. Stupefied, he gazed at Kai. “I-I don’t… What… How…” He couldn’t form a single cohesive sentence as the title of the song kept spinning in his head like a carousel. Finally, he identified what he had thought to be yet another scribbled out character right next to the title as the small sketch of a flower.

A hollyhock.

_Cassis._

Just like his stage name, Aoi.

Horrified, he jumped to his feet as he finally understood.

 

 

 

“Come on, open up!”

With a frustrated growl, Aoi pressed the doorbell another time, before he started to hammer against the door with his fist. However, no sounds but the echo of his desperate knocks were audible from beyond the door, and with an exhausted curse, he rested his forehead against the wood.

“ _Dammit!_ ”

He hit the door with his fist once more, then froze on the spot for a minute.

How could he have screwed up so badly?

Kai had been right; he was the biggest idiot on the goddamn planet.

Pulling himself together, Aoi turned his back on the door. Discouraged but not willing to give up yet, he left the apartment complex, and stepped out into the night. Single drops of rain had started to fall down, dancing in the dark sky and painting a sprinkled pattern on the pavement.

Wracking his brains around what to do next, Aoi started to trot down the sidewalk.

Without even realizing where his feet carried him, he found himself in the nearby park shortly after. It was almost completely devoid of any people, only a few lost souls wandered the trails. That didn’t give Aoi much hope, but he still refused to give up.

He needed to fix the mess he had made.

Having walked through this park a lot for it was one of Ruki’s favorite spots, he found his way around almost blindly. Frantically, his eyes kept scanning the area, searching for a familiar figure, while his fingers desperately clung to the sheet of paper.

That one sheet of paper his whole life seemed to depend on now.

He didn’t even think of protecting the note against the growing rain; he didn’t care about anything but finding Ruki. Of setting things right. He simply had to. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he wasn’t able to come back from this. If they weren’t able to come back from this. If he had broken them beyond repair in his stupidity.

There, in the faint light of a streetlamp, finally, he saw a familiar figure standing at the bank of the small pond.

He opened his mouth. He wanted to say something, call out Ruki’s name to gain his attention. But he was frozen on the spot, unable to utter a single syllable, or move a single muscle. Fear made his blood run cold, and nailed him down on the spot.

What if he couldn’t undo the damage he had caused?

Unable to move, he simply stood still and stared at Ruki’s small frame. Mesmerized, he watched the raindrops dance around him in the dim light of the lantern until they grew even more in intensity.

Shuddering at the rain, Ruki wrapped his arms around himself, before he turned around, only to freeze in his tracks.

“Yuu?”

The sound of Ruki’s voice that called out his name so tentatively finally ridded Aoi of his stupor. Hastily, he scurried over to him, suppressing the overwhelming urge to simply embrace Ruki and never let go again. Instead, he halted inches away from him.

In the close proximity, he spotted the tearstained cheeks under the dim light, and his chest constricted painfully. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered. “I’m the biggest fucking moron in the whole universe. I never meant to hurt you.” He averted his gaze in shame, praying to the stars that it wasn’t too late to fix things. “I love you. And I thought… I thought I was fine with you not saying it back. But in the end, I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t take the thought that you didn’t feel the same way. And it was killing me. To think that you’d never feel the same way, ever.”

He took a deep breath to steady himself. “But I was wrong, wasn’t I? I was so fucking wrong. All this time I told you how much I cared about you, only to fail you when it truly mattered.” His grip tightened around the paper in his hand, which was starting to get soaked by the rain that fell down on them. Aoi barely even noticed his clothes getting drenched, even when wet strands of hair started to stick to his face.

Meekly, he held the piece of paper up. “All this time I wanted you to tell me how you truly felt about me. And when you did, I didn’t fucking listen. I’m so, so sorry. God, I wanna punch myself so fucking badly.”

Sniveling, Ruki stared at the piece of paper in Aoi’s hand. “How did you get that?” he mumbled in a daze. “I thought I’d thrown it away.”

The faintest smile spread on Aoi’s lips. “When does the leader ever pass up an opportunity to kick one of us in the ass when we’re being huge morons?” He knew that Kai would always look out for them, he just hadn’t thought he would go so far as to dig up pieces of paper from the garbage bin for them. He would probably even walk through the fire for them; that much Aoi started to become aware of.

Ruki laughed gingerly. Then, his expression grew serious again. “I don’t know what to say,” he murmured sheepishly.

Aoi’s heart skipped a painful beat. “Say you’ll forgive me.” His own voice was nothing more than a whisper. He truly couldn’t blame Ruki if he wished him to hell. Though he hoped with all of his heart that Ruki could find it in himself to forgive him. To give Aoi another chance. To give them another chance.

“That’s not what I mean,” Ruki said. He looked up at Aoi, a defeated glint in his eyes, wet strands of blonde hair sticking to his forehead. “You’re not the one who needs to be forgiven. I am.”

Aoi opened his mouth in order to protest, but Ruki shook his head. He rendered Aoi completely immobile when he cradled his cheek with his hand. “I’ve been meaning to tell you how I feel for a while now. But somehow, I can’t seem to get out a single useful word.” Ruki laughed embarrassedly. “I can write any kinds of lyrics to a song no problem but I can’t even tell my boyfriend that I love him to his face.”

A swarm of butterflies set off in Aoi’s stomach, and he gasped as an incredible surge of happiness flooded through him as he finally heard Ruki speak those words. Again, he wanted to say something. Again, Ruki cut him off. This time, by trailing his thumb across Aoi’s lower lip.

“Well, that’s not entirely true. I can say it just fine. It just never felt enough. Saying I love you. I didn’t know how to properly express all these things on my mind. I didn’t know how to tell you all my feelings, because words didn’t seem good enough. I know that. And I can’t blame you for how you reacted. All this time, I just asked you to be patient. I asked you to be mindful of me. You always put me first, all the while I didn’t give you a single thing in return. That’s how it felt, didn’t it?” Once more, Ruki’s thumb caressed Aoi’s lower lip.

Silently, Aoi nodded.

Ruki seized his hand that was still holding onto the lyrics sheet with a tender grip to lift it up. “It’s not true, though. I’m so sorry I made you feel unwanted. This,” he squeezed Aoi’s hand reassuringly, “this is how I feel. I’m rubbish at saying things out loud unless I put them into a song. So that’s what I did. Because I didn’t know how else to properly convey my feelings. It still feels insufficient but it’s the best I could come up with to express my feelings. You were right, this song is about someone really special to me. It’s about the man I love. Who, I think, refers to himself as the biggest fucking moron in the whole universe.”

Speechless, Aoi simply stared at him.

Stared at the man he was so madly in love with and who had finally confessed to feeling the same way about him.

And he was finally able to understand. He was finally able to grasp that sometimes, words simply weren’t enough. For he had no clue how to respond to the most beautiful declaration of love in the whole galaxy he had just been given. Words were failing him completely.

So instead, he bent forward and united their lips in a most tender kiss.

Immediately, Ruki wrapped his arms around Aoi’s neck to pull him closer as he returned the kiss just as softly.

Motionlessly, they stood in the rain, intertwined with each other as they conveyed all their feelings through the kiss, their souls connecting through their lips and tongues.

All his uncertainty got drained from his body as Aoi felt Ruki not only return his kiss, but his feelings as well. It got dragged out into the open by the feeling of Ruki’s lips moving against his as their bodies pressed closely together, where it got washed away by the pouring rain.

And while an undefined amount of uncertainty would always remain in any sort of relationship, Aoi knew that from now on, the two of them would face every upcoming issue unitedly.

For though their future wasn’t promised yet, from here on out, they would most definitely walk towards it together.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I hope you liked it~


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